closed post: in the eye of the beholder

[tallyyoungblood]

Tally's had a lot on her mind since the death and the wedding. Life, love, the fragility of those things--but, of course, she is who she is, so her mind comes back to what it always does: beauty.

As much as she'd judged that strange man for his disheveled robes, everyone else had looked gorgeous, and happier than she'd ever seen a room full of pretties look. Most notably, they'd all looked legitimately different from each other, in just about every way possible. That the effect was beautiful instead of overwhelming is a new experience for Tally.

Tally feels like she knows what Claudius might say about the wedding. He'd heap effusive praise on everyone, and tell her that of course he wanted everyone to be uniquely themselves. She thinks he understands the halo effect better than anyone else she knows here, but also, as a former pre-Rusty king, understands how to deal with a crowd of adult uglies. Galahad, though, has never been someone Tally could guess at the thoughts of. He'd clearly been too happily overwhelmed to really talk at the ceremony itself, so she goes to knock on his door a few days later.

Comments

[onthewillowsthere]

It didn't make her happy to change, he thinks. It didn't fix everything for her. It just brought other troubles. "I came to regret it, and he tried to change me back, but he was unable. I became someone else again."

[tallyyoungblood]

"So you were like... three different people?" Tally clarifies. "And all of them were super into Claudius?"

[onthewillowsthere]

There's something pleasing about the way she says it. "Yes. Even when I didn't love him, I was always super into him."

[tallyyoungblood]

"It's nice to be so sure about something," Tally says. "But is this the you you like the best?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"This is the me I am," a touch blankly. "My other selves were other people."

[tallyyoungblood]

"I guess so," Tally says dubiously. "Magnus told me my Evil Twin was someone else, too..."

[onthewillowsthere]

"Is that how you feel?"

[tallyyoungblood]

"Only sort of. She's not that far off from me in time. Like, a few months? And she was only different because she got more brain surge. If that's not me, then am I even me? Compared to who I was as an ugly?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"What is meaningful to you?" he asks, thinking of his conversation with Claudius about people and patterns. "What matters?"

[tallyyoungblood]

"Whoa, that's a big question, Galahad-wa. Like, what do I want?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"Like, who are you? What about you is you?"

[tallyyoungblood]

"I guess I care about the people I love," Tally says. "And, like, the wild. And doing... fun stuff?" All of this sounds totally pathetic to Tally's ears. "I don't know, you're making me feel totally existential, Galahad-wa."

[onthewillowsthere]

He hasn't explained himself well. Galahad frowns, the tiny drawing-together of his brows, as he keeps painting her face. "If you and Evil Twin Tally are the same, I mean. Why? You said she is only different because of the brain surge. How did that change you? If you believe you are the same, I trust you."

[tallyyoungblood]

"Oh. Well... she believes the city about everything. Like, about the operation being necessary for everyone, that any rebellion is a danger to the earth, that only some people deserve to be Special. She only saw other Specials as people." A metallic taste rises in Tally's mouth, thinking about how visceral her disgust towards uglies and even pretties had felt. "But, like, that's the main thing that changed. I think underneath it all she still cared about Shay, and Zane, and David. I still care about the wild and I'm still worried about what everyone being able to think for themselves would do to it. I still care the most about the people who are closest to me, even if I don't care if they're Special or not, obviously. I'm still... well, I'm still selfish."

[onthewillowsthere]

Galahad nods, rather than saying anything this time, waiting for her to continue.

[tallyyoungblood]

"Dr. Cable always says I'm good at surviving," Tally says. This, too, is kind of nausea-making to say, but less. "I think she's me because I think I hold on too hard to be lost like that. And maybe Magnus is right that she has different memories from me, but I don't have different memories from her, really."

[onthewillowsthere]

"If it doesn't mean anything for you to be two different people, then you can be the same. There aren't rules."

[tallyyoungblood]

"Exactly," Tally says, grimly satisfied. She's herself, and Magnus is wrong that she can totally wash her hands of the responsibility of having a potential Special inside her. Maybe, she thinks a little meanly, it's the Rusty in him, the consequence of coming from a culture that had thrown their hands up at the dying earth and said what can we do? "It means something that I'm one person," she corrects.

[onthewillowsthere]

He nods. The more he puts distance between himself and God, the more it's as he told Claudius. Meaning is theirs to make. They get to choose what matters, and what comes from that. It matters to him that his Evil Twin was another person, one he can't now become, and it matters to Tally that hers is her, that she understands how those two selves fit inside her. They are both right.

"Good," he says, because it is.

[tallyyoungblood]

"Am I totally dominating the whole conversation?" Tally asks nervously. "See? Selfish."

[onthewillowsthere]

"I like when other people talk. I'm not very good at it."

[tallyyoungblood]

This hits Tally the same way Gideon liking her jealousy did, like thinking there's an extra step at the bottom of a flight of stairs and stumbling onto solid ground instead. "Really?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"Yes. It's easier for me to listen."

[tallyyoungblood]

"Are there any situations you like talking in?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"I like talking to Claudius," quietly.