closed post: in the eye of the beholder

[tallyyoungblood]

Tally's had a lot on her mind since the death and the wedding. Life, love, the fragility of those things--but, of course, she is who she is, so her mind comes back to what it always does: beauty.

As much as she'd judged that strange man for his disheveled robes, everyone else had looked gorgeous, and happier than she'd ever seen a room full of pretties look. Most notably, they'd all looked legitimately different from each other, in just about every way possible. That the effect was beautiful instead of overwhelming is a new experience for Tally.

Tally feels like she knows what Claudius might say about the wedding. He'd heap effusive praise on everyone, and tell her that of course he wanted everyone to be uniquely themselves. She thinks he understands the halo effect better than anyone else she knows here, but also, as a former pre-Rusty king, understands how to deal with a crowd of adult uglies. Galahad, though, has never been someone Tally could guess at the thoughts of. He'd clearly been too happily overwhelmed to really talk at the ceremony itself, so she goes to knock on his door a few days later.

Comments

[tallyyoungblood]

"Whoa, that's a big question, Galahad-wa. Like, what do I want?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"Like, who are you? What about you is you?"

[tallyyoungblood]

"I guess I care about the people I love," Tally says. "And, like, the wild. And doing... fun stuff?" All of this sounds totally pathetic to Tally's ears. "I don't know, you're making me feel totally existential, Galahad-wa."

[onthewillowsthere]

He hasn't explained himself well. Galahad frowns, the tiny drawing-together of his brows, as he keeps painting her face. "If you and Evil Twin Tally are the same, I mean. Why? You said she is only different because of the brain surge. How did that change you? If you believe you are the same, I trust you."

[tallyyoungblood]

"Oh. Well... she believes the city about everything. Like, about the operation being necessary for everyone, that any rebellion is a danger to the earth, that only some people deserve to be Special. She only saw other Specials as people." A metallic taste rises in Tally's mouth, thinking about how visceral her disgust towards uglies and even pretties had felt. "But, like, that's the main thing that changed. I think underneath it all she still cared about Shay, and Zane, and David. I still care about the wild and I'm still worried about what everyone being able to think for themselves would do to it. I still care the most about the people who are closest to me, even if I don't care if they're Special or not, obviously. I'm still... well, I'm still selfish."

[onthewillowsthere]

Galahad nods, rather than saying anything this time, waiting for her to continue.

[tallyyoungblood]

"Dr. Cable always says I'm good at surviving," Tally says. This, too, is kind of nausea-making to say, but less. "I think she's me because I think I hold on too hard to be lost like that. And maybe Magnus is right that she has different memories from me, but I don't have different memories from her, really."

[onthewillowsthere]

"If it doesn't mean anything for you to be two different people, then you can be the same. There aren't rules."

[tallyyoungblood]

"Exactly," Tally says, grimly satisfied. She's herself, and Magnus is wrong that she can totally wash her hands of the responsibility of having a potential Special inside her. Maybe, she thinks a little meanly, it's the Rusty in him, the consequence of coming from a culture that had thrown their hands up at the dying earth and said what can we do? "It means something that I'm one person," she corrects.

[onthewillowsthere]

He nods. The more he puts distance between himself and God, the more it's as he told Claudius. Meaning is theirs to make. They get to choose what matters, and what comes from that. It matters to him that his Evil Twin was another person, one he can't now become, and it matters to Tally that hers is her, that she understands how those two selves fit inside her. They are both right.

"Good," he says, because it is.

[tallyyoungblood]

"Am I totally dominating the whole conversation?" Tally asks nervously. "See? Selfish."

[onthewillowsthere]

"I like when other people talk. I'm not very good at it."

[tallyyoungblood]

This hits Tally the same way Gideon liking her jealousy did, like thinking there's an extra step at the bottom of a flight of stairs and stumbling onto solid ground instead. "Really?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"Yes. It's easier for me to listen."

[tallyyoungblood]

"Are there any situations you like talking in?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"I like talking to Claudius," quietly.

[tallyyoungblood]

"That's cute. He actually lets you get a word in edgewise?" Tally teases.

[onthewillowsthere]

Galahad stops again and tilts his head slightly. "He likes to listen when I speak."

[tallyyoungblood]

"I do too," Tally says. "Um, when you feel up for it."

[onthewillowsthere]

His face softens, not an actual smile but the suggestion of one. "Thank you."

[tallyyoungblood]

"I didn't meet those other people you were, did I?" Tally asks, jumping back a little bit in the conversation. "Would I be able to tell?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"No. I think you would have been able to tell. I was different."

[tallyyoungblood]

"Did they dress differently, or anything?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"Yes." He lowers himself down into his field, where he can watch the wheat move in the ripple of qi. What does he remember about Damien? About Laurel?

"Damien had no memories. He did not know himself. He didn't know about the things he was and was not permitted." He remembers the feeling that something was slipping through his fingers as Claudius pulled away from his kiss, the spray of oleander tucked inside his jacket. He remembers dancing with Laertes. He remembers falling asleep in the garden and being woken by Claudius' approach. "Laurel remembered more. He knew that he was intended for a purpose. But he wasn't afraid of talking. He was curious about everything. He made friends more easily than I do." He was happy. Because he was enough for Claudius to love, and he was content with that. He was the one who looked through the microscope at Claudius' blood, swimming with parasites. He was the one who went to bed with him with no shame at all, or knowledge of shame, an Adam before the fall. He was the one who tasted red with Magnus.

"You would have known," Galahad says now.

[tallyyoungblood]

Tally tries to imagine who she'd be if she hadn't always known what was and was not permitted, if she hadn't always known she was ugly. If she'd grown up somewhere like here, with everyone looking different, would she have grasped that she was ugly at all? Part of her thinks of course she would; just seeing a bunch of ugly faces doesn't make evolutionary biology not real. Her nose would have always been too big, and her eyes too squinty, and her hair too frizzy.

"But what makes you afraid to talk now, if Laurel talked and was okay?" she asks. "And you still seem utterly curious to me."