closed post: in the eye of the beholder

[tallyyoungblood]

Tally's had a lot on her mind since the death and the wedding. Life, love, the fragility of those things--but, of course, she is who she is, so her mind comes back to what it always does: beauty.

As much as she'd judged that strange man for his disheveled robes, everyone else had looked gorgeous, and happier than she'd ever seen a room full of pretties look. Most notably, they'd all looked legitimately different from each other, in just about every way possible. That the effect was beautiful instead of overwhelming is a new experience for Tally.

Tally feels like she knows what Claudius might say about the wedding. He'd heap effusive praise on everyone, and tell her that of course he wanted everyone to be uniquely themselves. She thinks he understands the halo effect better than anyone else she knows here, but also, as a former pre-Rusty king, understands how to deal with a crowd of adult uglies. Galahad, though, has never been someone Tally could guess at the thoughts of. He'd clearly been too happily overwhelmed to really talk at the ceremony itself, so she goes to knock on his door a few days later.

Comments

[tallyyoungblood]

"Whoa," says Tally, startled by his sudden rebelliousness. "What do you mean? God cares what color you wear?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"White is a color of purity. I wore only white before I broke my vow of chastity. For a wedding, it symbolizes the purity of the bride and that she is a virgin," he explains.

[tallyyoungblood]

"Well, that's bogus," Tally says, a total understatement. "As if having sex, like, ruins you? Please. I'm glad you went against it." For all that lots about the pretty regime is wrong, Tally's very grateful that no one acts like sex is something shameful any more. The only thing that ever used to stop her was being ashamed of her ugliness, but that shame had vanished even before her operation, in stolen moments with David in the wild. "A vow of chastity," she repeats, scornful. "So dumb."

[onthewillowsthere]

"In God's eyes, I am ruined." It doesn't hurt to say now. He is loved; he belongs. He rubs the band on his watch, which Lan Wangji returned to him after Aornis was killed. He has a husband and a wife. He has friends. God's displeasure holds no power over him now. "It was dumb," he tells her.

[tallyyoungblood]

"I hate god," Tally says bitterly. "You know, in my world, no one believes in god any more, and good riddance."

[onthewillowsthere]

"Why not? Does He not speak to anyone?"

[tallyyoungblood]

"I don't think he ever did. There's certainly no proof in my world of it. I wouldn't believe in any gods, or magic for that matter, if I hadn't seen proof here. Where I'm from, we only believe in things we actually have evidence for."

[onthewillowsthere]

"I have evidence," he says, tilting his head slightly. "He gave me His power and made me strong. He spoke to me and told me what He wanted me to do."

[tallyyoungblood]

"Yeah, I get that he's real in your world. He's not in mine, even though people believed in him a long time ago."

[onthewillowsthere]

He does know that God and gods are different from world to world, but it's strange to imagine one where He is absent altogether. He wonders whether the lack of belief has anything to do with it. "What do people believe in, in your world?"

[tallyyoungblood]

"Science," Tally says automatically. It's true, now that she thinks about it. "That's the reason everyone gets the pretty operation. Evolutionarily, people are more likely to get along if everyone is beautiful. We're hardwired to want to protect people who look youthful and healthy, like a good mate."

[onthewillowsthere]

Magnus has told him about Tally's operation. Galahad frowns slightly. "You can't trust people to take care of each other for other reasons?"

[tallyyoungblood]

Tally shakes her head. "In a small group like this, maybe. On a global scale, not at all. There were world wars after your time, and half the world lived in poverty while the other half was busy using up so many resources it almost doomed the planet. Beauty didn't stop all that, I know that now, but it did take giving most people brain damage to stop it. I'm sorry to be so totally depressing, but it's true."

[onthewillowsthere]

"If it's the truth then you should say it, even if it's depressing," he says, thinking of Magnus and Lan Wangji. "It's better that way." And then, since it wouldn't be right to say that and not be honest himself, he adds, "I don't know whether I believe that everything you've told me could happen in my world. But it's because it's overwhelming."

[tallyyoungblood]

Tally's done what she did to Georgia again, without even meaning to. She feels a selfish moment of gratitude that Gideon is apparently from an entirely different planet, and she doesn't have to tiptoe around the truth of what her future could be.

"Well, maybe it won't happen in yours," she says. "It definitely won't happen exactly the same way, because magic changes everything. But... you have to agree that it's almost impossible for a whole planet of human beings to never fight each other. People are too different." Tally's heart feels like it's breaking as she says it. "People being different is so wonderful, but it's also what always almost destroys them."

[onthewillowsthere]

Galahad considers the way he was treated in Camelot, and how lonely it was; how it felt to know that everyone thought he was strange, arrogant, aloof. He remembers the dream-memory that Aornis sent him, of Sir Agloval losing him in the forest to make his way home alone. He thinks of how easy it was for him to know Luo Binghe's actions wrong, and how long Sagramore excused them, when both of them -- supposedly -- love Claudius so much. He thinks of Shen Yuan's Evil Twin trying to hide from him that being a nerd is bad.

"You're right," he says quietly.

[tallyyoungblood]

Tally almost apologizes for being depressing again, but she reminds herself he wants her to be truthful.

"I just wanted to say that it's brave of you to be different anyway," Tally tells him.

[onthewillowsthere]

"What else could I do?"

[tallyyoungblood]

"Try to be like everyone else?" Tally says. "I used to try really hard at that."

[onthewillowsthere]

"I don't know how."

[tallyyoungblood]

"I mean, you knew you weren't supposed to wear white, and you did anyway. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about."

[onthewillowsthere]

"Oh," Galahad says, as he realizes what Tally means. "I didn't at first. For a long time I obeyed everything God told me to do."

[tallyyoungblood]

"Like chastity and... what else?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"I was His weapon, and He wielded me. I fought battles for for His glory. I kept His fasts and lived a life without pleasure. I touched no one. I attended every Mass and service. I kept vigils."

[tallyyoungblood]

It reminds Tally, with a sickening nightmare lurch, of being Special. Other Tally had felt like a weapon, too, and she'd lived in the wild, surviving off of plants and very little sleep. It definitely wasn't a life without pleasure, but she has some idea what it is to be a tool instead of a person.

"That sucks," she says emphatically. "Galahad-wa, I'm so sorry."