closed post: in the eye of the beholder

[tallyyoungblood]

Tally's had a lot on her mind since the death and the wedding. Life, love, the fragility of those things--but, of course, she is who she is, so her mind comes back to what it always does: beauty.

As much as she'd judged that strange man for his disheveled robes, everyone else had looked gorgeous, and happier than she'd ever seen a room full of pretties look. Most notably, they'd all looked legitimately different from each other, in just about every way possible. That the effect was beautiful instead of overwhelming is a new experience for Tally.

Tally feels like she knows what Claudius might say about the wedding. He'd heap effusive praise on everyone, and tell her that of course he wanted everyone to be uniquely themselves. She thinks he understands the halo effect better than anyone else she knows here, but also, as a former pre-Rusty king, understands how to deal with a crowd of adult uglies. Galahad, though, has never been someone Tally could guess at the thoughts of. He'd clearly been too happily overwhelmed to really talk at the ceremony itself, so she goes to knock on his door a few days later.

Comments

[tallyyoungblood]

"Try to be like everyone else?" Tally says. "I used to try really hard at that."

[onthewillowsthere]

"I don't know how."

[tallyyoungblood]

"I mean, you knew you weren't supposed to wear white, and you did anyway. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about."

[onthewillowsthere]

"Oh," Galahad says, as he realizes what Tally means. "I didn't at first. For a long time I obeyed everything God told me to do."

[tallyyoungblood]

"Like chastity and... what else?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"I was His weapon, and He wielded me. I fought battles for for His glory. I kept His fasts and lived a life without pleasure. I touched no one. I attended every Mass and service. I kept vigils."

[tallyyoungblood]

It reminds Tally, with a sickening nightmare lurch, of being Special. Other Tally had felt like a weapon, too, and she'd lived in the wild, surviving off of plants and very little sleep. It definitely wasn't a life without pleasure, but she has some idea what it is to be a tool instead of a person.

"That sucks," she says emphatically. "Galahad-wa, I'm so sorry."

[onthewillowsthere]

"It did suck," Galahad tells her seriously. "But now I choose things for myself. I'm okay."

[tallyyoungblood]

"How do you know what it is you want versus what, like, god or society wants?" Tally asks. "I feel like sometimes I don't know. I like being pretty, but I don't know if that's... real."

[onthewillowsthere]

"Sometimes I don't know, and I have to think for a long time. Lan Wangji taught me to meditate. That helps. And sometimes talking to someone else helps too. Magnus or Claudius or Lan Wangji."

[tallyyoungblood]

"Meditation... I've always thought it was a bogus crumbly excuse to just sit inside all day," Tally admits. "Like bonsai trees, or something. But you're probably right that it's actually helpful. It just seems... boring. Um, not that I don't like your advice."

[onthewillowsthere]

"You don't have to like my advice."

[tallyyoungblood]

Tally looks at him, surprised. "I mean, I know that," she says. "I'm just saying it's probably good advice that I just wouldn't enjoy following. But if I want to be more like you, maybe I have to do stuff I don't like."

[onthewillowsthere]

"Do you want to be like me?" he asks, taken aback.

[tallyyoungblood]

"Yeah," Tally says. "At least, I want to be the kind of person who has a wedding like that." Her cheeks turn a little pink at the admission, but something about Galahad makes her feel like being honest. "I mean, not that I want to get married right away, or ever, I don't know. I just thought it was bubbly."

[onthewillowsthere]

"It was bubbly." He's quiet for a moment, thinking about it. "You don't need to be like me to have something like that. You can just choose what you want."

[tallyyoungblood]

If only it were that easy. "I'm just afraid to."

[onthewillowsthere]

"Why?"

[tallyyoungblood]

"Because of what I said. People being too different is dangerous."

[onthewillowsthere]

Galahad frowns -- that minute drawing-together of his brows and flattening of his mouth -- and says, "You could choose a small difference."

[tallyyoungblood]

"Start small? Yeah, that makes sense. Um, I was kind of doing that with the suit."

[onthewillowsthere]

"At the wedding?"

[tallyyoungblood]

"Yeah. It was Gideon's idea."

[onthewillowsthere]

"It was good." A beat. "I like choosing my own clothes too. What do you like to wear?"

[tallyyoungblood]

"I always used to picture wearing a ballgown as a pretty, when I was an ugly," Tally says. "Uglies only get dorm uniforms, and pretties basically have the same clothing allowance we have here. Like, infinite."