open post: averageness

[tallyyoungblood]

Tally's first clue that it hadn't been a dream was that she'd woken up alone in her room.

Nowadays, she and Gideon have been sharing a room, so that Tally can protect her from ever finding a body alone again--and maybe conspicuously leave out some clothes that fit Gideon but aren't, like, ratty black pants. That day, though, she'd woken in an empty room, gasping from something that felt like a nightmare, but somehow more vivid than real life.

Without even getting dressed, she'd run for the woods to confirm what had happened. Horror had flooded her when she found the knife-mark, exactly where she remembered throwing it yesterday. It was true. She'd been Special. She'd been awful. She'd seen and felt the world with more harsh clarity than she'd ever thought possible. She'd hit Gideon.

Tally had collapsed onto the stump, gripping her own arms to make sure her familiar, average body was still there.

Over the next few days, Tally doesn't sleep well, and people getting swapped out for a second time doesn't help. People might find her wandering the mansion like a zombie, or in one of the kitchens, contemplating getting drunk. She's not as put together as usual, either, but of course on her even bedhead and sweats look beautiful.

Comments

[sagramore]

Tally's best friends seem like a somewhat safer topic than the fact that he's glad Mordred isn't here, how he misses him and loves him and finally feels free of him, so Sagramore asks, "Your best friends?"

[tallyyoungblood]

"Peris and Shay. Peris was kind of like my brother, too. We grew up together and did everything together, until he turned pretty and moved across the river." Tally looks at her right palm, which is still missing the scar that she and Peris had made together. Both that scar and its twin on Peris's hand are gone, destroyed along with their old skin. She rubs the place where it used to be, remembering.

"Then I met Shay after Peris turned pretty. She turned my whole life upside down. She's the one who gave me the idea that maybe not everything the government does is good." She turns her hand over and looks at the place where even more scars aren't: future scars, the ones Shay had encouraged her to make as a Special. "Things are pretty complicated with her, though," she says, totally understating it.

[sagramore]

"Is she your, ah, ex?"

[tallyyoungblood]

Tally goes a little pink. "Um. Yes and no? Not my ex, but I guess it happened with my alternate self." Tally's still getting used to the idea that her feelings for Shay crossed over from the category she has for Peris to the category she has for David, Zane, and Gideon. "In retrospect I guess my feelings about her were kind of intense."

[sagramore]

"Ah. That can be a bit overwhelming to realize."

[tallyyoungblood]

"I don't know how I didn't see it. I knew her for just a few weeks and I was already calling her my best friend, after I'd known Peris my whole life?" Honestly, it's so shaming to think about that Tally covers her face. "I guess... romances when you're an ugly aren't supposed to be real, anyways."

[sagramore]

Gently, "Oh, that sounds right for being swept up in a first romance. It's easy to forget everything else. --Anything before your-- your operation, isn't meant to last?"

[tallyyoungblood]

Tally bites off an obviously not, looking at him and suddenly feeling totally young.

"It never felt like it counted, since I felt like I didn't have my real face yet," she says. "Except with my ex David, but that was different."

[sagramore]

"And you still care for her?"

[tallyyoungblood]

"How could I not?" Tally's pretty sure she still cares for everyone she's ever been close to, even her parents, even if she's made her peace with never seeing them again. "I'm really angry with her, too, though."

[sagramore]

"Why?"

[tallyyoungblood]

"Because of everything," Tally says. Not listening or understanding when she'd apologized, for running away in the first place, for not trying harder to get Tally to come. "But mostly because she made me Special."

[sagramore]

He nods. He's thinking about how hard it is to be a teenager, with agency to act in the world but without the knowledge and experience to act wisely much of the time, and how much harder it is when you love someone unreasonably and you're willing to be foolish to impress or annoy or get the attention of that person.

[tallyyoungblood]

"I have no idea if she even asked me," Tally confesses. "If I wanted to get major surge and become a--a weapon." She thinks about hitting Gideon again, the way Gideon's bones had felt breakable under her hands, like dry twigs. She shudders and rubs her arm again.

[sagramore]

He wants to hug her, but he isn't sure how she'll feel about it, and she's still sitting at the table, so it would be awkward -- so instead he reaches over and squeezes her shoulder gently.

[tallyyoungblood]

Tally looks at him gratefully, her eyes huge. She reaches up and gives his hand a squeeze where it touches her shoulder. "Maybe she did ask, I don't know. But I don't think I would have said yes."

[sagramore]

"No, I don't think you would have," he says, and whether or not it's true of that other Tally, he believes it of the Tally in front of him now.

[tallyyoungblood]

This makes Tally sob, startling herself, and she covers her face with her other hand. "Sorry," she gets out. Sagramore is reminding her too much of dads from Rusty movies, ones who she always secretly wished real dads would act like. Sol had never made assumptions about who she was, which made her feel like he didn't really know her at all. "Um."

[sagramore]

"Shh, no, it's all right. Don't be sorry."

[tallyyoungblood]

"Why couldn't she have a normal way of telling me she wanted me?" Tally sobs. "I spent all that time trying to fix everything for her."

[sagramore]

At this, he really does pull her into a hug -- and it is awkward, but it feels warranted. She's so miserable, and there isn't anything he can do to fix this for her; she just has to feel the grief of it, as he has with Mordred.

[tallyyoungblood]

Tally hugs him back, a little embarrassed, but not as much as she might have been if he'd been someone her age.

"Thanks," she says, pulling away and taking a quick sip of her coffee so she doesn't seem totally composure-missing. "It's just been a bogus couple days."

[sagramore]

"It has been," he agrees.

[tallyyoungblood]

At least Tally knows that her crying isn't ugly-making--pretties don't go red in the face or stream snot or anything like that.

"At least there's pancakes to look forward to. Right now, pancakes seem utterly load-bearing, mental health-wise."

[sagramore]

In spite of himself, Sagramore laughs. "Then I won't let you down. Perhaps I'll do a test run on the pancakes, too."