open post: averageness

[tallyyoungblood]

Tally's first clue that it hadn't been a dream was that she'd woken up alone in her room.

Nowadays, she and Gideon have been sharing a room, so that Tally can protect her from ever finding a body alone again--and maybe conspicuously leave out some clothes that fit Gideon but aren't, like, ratty black pants. That day, though, she'd woken in an empty room, gasping from something that felt like a nightmare, but somehow more vivid than real life.

Without even getting dressed, she'd run for the woods to confirm what had happened. Horror had flooded her when she found the knife-mark, exactly where she remembered throwing it yesterday. It was true. She'd been Special. She'd been awful. She'd seen and felt the world with more harsh clarity than she'd ever thought possible. She'd hit Gideon.

Tally had collapsed onto the stump, gripping her own arms to make sure her familiar, average body was still there.

Over the next few days, Tally doesn't sleep well, and people getting swapped out for a second time doesn't help. People might find her wandering the mansion like a zombie, or in one of the kitchens, contemplating getting drunk. She's not as put together as usual, either, but of course on her even bedhead and sweats look beautiful.

Comments

[sagramore]

"What kind of thing?"

[tallyyoungblood]

"Like... they made her think she was better than everyone else. Everyone but other Specials disgusts her. I've had my brain damaged before, but this was something else."

[sagramore]

"Ah. So you thought yourself superior. Is that why you hurt Gideon?" He asks it gently, unaccusatory.

[tallyyoungblood]

Tally winces at the shift to "you," though she guesses she deserves it.

"Um, kind of. Gideon reminded me--her--of my ex. And also, Gideon was carrying her sword around. And she told me what she thought of me." Tally smiles wryly. "The other Tally had serious anger issues."

[sagramore]

"Well, that's something our other selves had in common. Have you spoken to Gideon since then?"

[tallyyoungblood]

"No. I think she's avoiding me. What about you? Did you talk to who you hurt?"

[sagramore]

"I did, actually, and when I did it turned out he wasn't upset with me. He knew the difference between me and my other self, and he knew I wouldn't have wanted or tried to hurt him."

[tallyyoungblood]

Tally gives him a watery smile. She's glad that's true for him, but she's too used to people she loves changing themselves and still holding grudges to be entirely reassured.

"That's good," she says. "What was different about him? Like what went differently in your life?"

[sagramore]

"He was a very angry, hard person, and he said things to hurt Asmodean. Thing he didn't know anything about. And he was a monster. A shapeshifter, a wolf."

[tallyyoungblood]

"A werewolf?" Tally stops herself before saying "Bubbly!" As an ugly, the idea of transforming into something else had always been totally appealing. Now, of course, she gets that transformation can be bogus, but at least werewolves got to go back and forth. "It is totally difficult to imagine you angry all the time," she says. "He was probably utterly pissed he ended up here."

[sagramore]

"I think he was angry that he couldn't stay. His world was a difficult place to live."

[tallyyoungblood]

"Are you happy you're here instead of at home, too?"

[sagramore]

"I'm so happy. Eternally grateful."

[tallyyoungblood]

Tally sits down at the kitchen counter, silent for the moment as various thoughts tumble and collide in her mind. Up until now, she's been trying to get out, but if being a Special is her future...

"You're alright giving up everyone from home?" Her voice isn't accusatory, just curious.

[sagramore]

Sagramore begins getting out the coffee things. "There are people back in Camelot I miss. Some of them I miss very much. But I think if I had stayed I would have been very unhappy for the rest of my life, and I'm not sure how much longer that life would have been. Here I have the chance to be a better, happier person. What about you?"

[tallyyoungblood]

"I thought I would be able to fix everything if I went back," Tally says. "But Special-me, she's only from a few months in the future. If that's what's waiting for me... I don't know. I miss David, my ex, but he's probably going to be angry with me forever. I miss my friend Shay, but..." she shakes her head. "She's the one who made me Special. Makes me?"

[sagramore]

"You know, I've thought that one of the things we all have in common, being brought here, is that we're at a turning point in our life stories -- that if we hadn't come here when we did, things would have become much worse for us. By coming here, we have the chance to change."

[tallyyoungblood]

"You think whoever runs this place knows everyone's futures? That's totally head-spinning." Tally guesses it makes sense for someone like Gideon, who would be dead otherwise, but was Tally really about to take an irreversible turn for the worse at age seventeen? Something else occurs to her, too. "What about whoever killed Shen Yuan? I feel like doing murder isn't 'getting better.'"

[sagramore]

"Perhaps not all of us, then. But--" He sighs. "Shen Yuan wasn't happy in his body. I'm not happy that this is the way it happened, but at the end of all of this he's going to have a body that was made for him, one that looks the way he wants it to look. There is something good in that."

[tallyyoungblood]

Tally has to laugh. "Okay, where were you when I was trying to explain that the pretty operation was good?"

[sagramore]

"The pretty operation?"

[tallyyoungblood]

"In my world, everyone gets an operation to look this beautiful when they turn sixteen." Tally gestures at her face. "I grew up thinking the pretty operation was good, and they told us it was the reason we never had wars any more. If everyone's equally beautiful, everyone gets along." She sighs. "But it turns out they were damaging our brains at the same time. You remember how I was when I was drunk. The brain damage makes it like everyone's drunk all the time--pretty-minded, my friend Zane calls it. There are no wars because no one thinks for themselves. Special-Tally had another operation, to be strong and cruelly beautiful, and to be basically the opposite of pretty-minded. The Specials run the cities and keep all the pretties in line."

[sagramore]

"That-- sounds quite bad," he says slowly, as he digests all this. "And it sounds as if you've had rather more than your fair share of revelations since you got here."

[tallyyoungblood]

"Utterly enough revelations," she agrees. "I had forgotten the brain damage, um, because of the brain damage. But I remember now. I guess Shen Yuan getting a new body is like the operation without any of the bad parts. Or with different bad parts. But I'm still not sure I trust people, or spirits or whoever, who think they know what's best for us."

[sagramore]

"I think that's fair. I'm not sure it's wise to be as trusting as I am, honestly," with a rueful laugh. "And it sounds as if you're overdue to think for yourself at any rate, so you should get as much as you can."